I have met many people that I have liked, loved, or enjoyed being around. I have also had to make room for multiple truths because
yes, I liked them. I loved some. I enjoyed being around them, but they were still not always right for me. (woof. Define “right for me” : to have someone align with my values, support growth and navigate changes with curiosity and compassion.)
Now that I am older, I think inconsistency in relationships stems from individuals valuing different things and making choices in the moment that reflect those values. Through this process of value misalignment, we hurt each other and then we don’t know how to talk about it. Sometimes I wish that we did—talk about it and then we move on together, but then again there is all the growth inspired by their absence. The pain of the disengaging with someone, my longing for them, contorts me into new shapes as I metabolize some of the things that I liked/loved/enjoyed about them. Maybe I start reading more often because I enjoyed that they were well read or how I show up 15 minutes early to important things because being punctual reminds me of them or the structures I created to support my lifestyle only so that I would not be chaotic as they were.
Sometimes when I am alone, I think about all the love that I have had and “lost”. It is not necessarily gone, nostalgia and grief are keeping the good memories alive, but it lacks novelty because now it lives in my head, in my memories. Despite my rationalization of this phenomenon, I am not certain that I am OK with it.
I am not certain about anything but the relationship that I have to myself.
I know that if someone’s behavior puts my relationship to myself in danger (at risk of abandoning myself), resentment builds while I use my self-awareness to communicate my needs, have patience & grace, and eventually choose to leave the dynamic. I leave with whatever part of the relationship that belongs to me:
the memories, the role I played, and the weight of accountability after indulgence.
“You can do whatever you like as long as you’re willing to face the consequences.” - my brother’s advice
I just walk away. I rather lose someone than lose myself. And I am not too keen on letting time rebuild bridges. It takes courage to return to someone after a rupture in relationship, and then to forgive them with grace and hope. It scares me when people try to skip the reckoning part, the act of atonement. As if time has moved us along and there is nothing we had to do in order to repair our connection— as if I ought to accept pain with ease, that it is what it is and despite the impact their actions have had, they believe they still have same access to me. I do not share this belief, nor do I condone this way of behaving.
I want accountability, restoration, and spacious connection (with patience and restraint, give me space to move toward you at my own pace).
Not avoidance.
Not dismissal.
Not a significant loss of connection due to our lack of safety in conflict.
I know that avoidance does not work for me, it’s not something I do or take well from others. Communicate a need for space, time to process, but definitely take the responsibility of engaging with the conflict as a misunderstanding or misalignment in emotional skillset.
Assume positive intent. Be curious. Show mercy.
I have dedicated the time and taken the steps to repair my relationship to myself so that I can move forward through uncertainty.(“What are the steps?” I would like to get more specific about this because this is a personal journey. For me, it has been centered around consistently checking in with myself and journaling through my experiences. I appreciate curiosity that leads to clarity about emotional truths and examining perception vs reality. Essentially, I am reparenting myself. Click here for related video)
I know how important curiosity and a willingness to be a witness to emotion is to my sense of safety in a relationship. This is why I get so confused by people holding on to old identities of me, versions of me fundamentally changed by the impact of them. Not necessarily dead or gone, but these versions/expressions of me are just not something that I want them to interact with, without repair and changes in behavior.
My vulnerability and their lack of capacity is causing us to miss each other until distance became our norm.
I have not found a way to maintain caution with my forgiveness & hold grief and gratitude for them while they perceive me in the way of their memories (before rupture). In my forgiveness, I am sure they would like to forget what they have done but I do not.
Intention is not impact.
I remember, for my safety, reasons why we stopped talking and why I left the relationship with them. Sometimes I wish I didn’t have to leave— I wish they could see my vulnerability and my strength and that be compelling enough for them, but it rarely is.
Although, there are some people that I would like to reminisce with. To hold the potential of what we could have been— between us— to admire it from afar, to emotionally go back in time and feel that version of our relationship, again. Maybe that is also why I do not appreciate hearing from people from the past. It is not about my feelings for them. It is the uncomfortable reminder that things are different and everything has changed.
The mirror of it all.
That is why I never call you. Hearing from you now would break my heart, but it still would not change my mind.
Dear reader, your participation is valuable.
Leave your thoughts and aches in the comments below. Thank you.
