my experience on tik tok…
Short story: I joined Tik Tok so that I could enjoy doing nothing, but feel everything.
Long story:
I joined Tik Tok during a fall semester in college with a sprained ankle vs. a 7 day work&school schedule. I woke up and cried at the thought of putting my feet on the floor. So I didn’t. I laid back down, downloaded the app and enjoyed the effort everyone else had put in- as well as maintaining that horizontal in energy- laying in my bed. So that’s where it started. I guess I had a little stage fright on the app at first because I was on there long before I started posting. (However, my real debut began on snapchat as Grandpa Wallace in 2016? -17? and there are some old Youtube videos that I made- an album- that truly captures where my comedy was at the time. Later, I abandoned Snapchat. Then lived on instagram stories for a while…)
My first few Tik Toks are not memorable. Around 2022, I start posting outfit videos and talking to the camera more. October that year, my videos start including titles- so that the profile looks more like one of a proficient user. This is also the moment my boyfriend and I of (almost) 5 years, break up and he had moved out. So I have all this time on my hands and things to say and tons of (emotional)energy to use. Plus, no one was actively supporting me at the time, like I had to grow through it on my own. Making videos became my talk therapy and gave me access to the validation I was looking for at the time. (Sheesh, saying that is so humiliating but! existence is humiliating- deep breath “I am allowed to have humility.”)
I made a lot of connections with people who seemed to be feeling the same things and that made me feel better- not that they were miserable too, but that I had provided the relief that I was looking for- for them. They had a friend, too. “Hi, my friend” becomes the greeting for every video and I am expressing my truth the way I would to a friend.
*note: I also had a devastating friend break-up around the same time that my relationship with my boyfriend ended. It was fuel to fire in my downward spiral. I guess I could write more about it later…*
The comments and interaction that I was getting on the app made me feel like I was not wasting time, I was doing something productive and people were finding the meaning in it. It felt like we were doing it together- as if I was not alone. So I would share my vulnerabilities, any wisdom I could find and positive encouragement. The comments were affirming this ‘version’ of me. The same version of me that broke up with the man she thought she would marry because of emotional neglect, blocked her friend for the lack emotional support, quit her job, moved home, lived in the basement with her two cats and couldn’t leave the house for three months. Those users who liked, commented and messaged me- I felt as if they liked the person I was (oddly) so shameful to have become. They gave me a different perspective, called me things like: brave, courageous, love and light, honest, beautiful, and worth it. Comments like “I needed this. Thank you” and “You are amazing and thank you for sharing your vulnerability.” In this exchange of my video for their comment(s), there was the reciprocity I was looking for. I needed them as much as they needed me. I kept showing up, building my self-esteem, my confidence, and I found my voice, again.
I would love to do a tribute to those of you that really held my hand through those growing pains, but I do not want to leave anyone out because I did see you! You changed my life and I am grateful to have served you.
Right now, I am not in the same state of reflection. I feel at peace with being in the moment now or I am accepting my confusion. Not currently looking for ways out.
During that time, October to June, I felt a strong pull to share my wisdom- to say things out loud for me, and for you. Fortunately, I feel I have heard myself and I know now what ‘tools’ I have to be present, accept, and then plot how to move forward.
Frankly, I am just not feeling as chatty.
Also, I want to workshop my creativity- bring it back to me and go inward. I have been openly expressing myself for while now (through candid videos) and would like to take some self awareness out of my experience.
Release myself from limiting beliefs and explore things I have yet to put into words. Learn something new without the self observation or commentary. I think I am ready to feel on my own.
So this is a thank you so very much for everything we have seen and done together. And also, “Change is good."
I do hope you will continue to grow with me.
Thank you for reading. -with so much love, Wallace.
