Perception vs Reality
Perception vs Reality
I needed a break. A break from being perceived and interpreted, but even in silence people can still write their own narratives.
(social media is my adversary)
It was a lot of things about being active on social media that made me uncomfortable like:
unintentionally maintaining connections from the past,
not investing in new ones because familiarity convinced me I did not need to, and
allowing people I did not want to connect with to still have access to me.
Having access to people who are willing to celebrate with me, my life and my joy, but still feeling vulnerable to the judgement and envy.
People thinking they know who I am or how I am doing,
questioning my values, and
speculating if I am worthy of my experiences or not.
I also wanted to die— not in a literal sense, but in the kind of way when you feel you have no choice but to live through the discomfort and so your mind wonders into considering if ending your own life is a better option.
Everything in my life got weird and heavy all of the sudden, like John Mayer said “I am only good at being young”. I know 30 isn’t old but it is different. When I was younger, people did not expect much (I did not expect much) and I had yet to meet true grief yet. Now, my mind runs away with expectations of myself, nostalgia & regretful thoughts, and my heart aches with uncertainty. My body tired from processing.
—I wanted to be considered gone from the people who deserved my absence. I wanted their curiosity to burn and to leave them with only grief to keep them company. Imagining them checking in on me, without my permission, witnessing my presence with the joy of my life or the sorrow I experience, I felt violated by the idea of maintaining intimacy with people I chose to say goodbye to. And then there’s “family members” who have their ideas on who I should be, how I should be, and their distaste with what I offer the world— this all felt intrusive and violent. These people that have no interest in getting to know me, but still can witness me at my most comfortable & expressive, while having an unwanted opinion of me, choosing to whisper about me in private.
You and your fuck ass narrative trying to erase what I try so hard to create: my presentation of self (Read more Goffman)
Cause that’s what my connection to social media is (was), pure self-expression.
(for the haters and nay sayers) And yeah I know that’s the risk, “you post and you don’t take in what people say- good or bad- you just let it be.” Right.
(for those still being curious) I truly had no capacity or bandwidth for anything outside of my inner world. I felt stuck inside my physical surroundings, stuck inside my idea of who I have been. I started counting all the times I had tried and failed at changing my circumstances. I started believing the negativity and forgetting who I was because as lovely and kind and fun as people say I am— I am not always treated kindly for this. These acknowledgements are often why I am taken for granted or disrespected or even completely dismissed. (and not in a “woe is me kind of way” but instead in a “why don’t people cherish nice things? why is love never enough? why must we entertain ourselves more than we respect ourselves?” kind of way)
I had to confront my old ways of thinking, my child self, and do the work of showing up for her. In this self centered approach, I became emotionally unavailable. I stopped putting myself out there. I went inward.
I had to do the one thing I had not done yet: be present with discomfort and stay with myself. (instead of numbing, distracting, or self harm— substance abuse, limerence, etc.) Challenging myself to overcome a mindset I built in the past by facing it. No more running, escaping, or idealizing.
Like I said, my capacity for the external world was in a deficit.
Now, I feel I have integrated the parts of me that were injured in the past, I feel whole.
However, I am still weary that my self expression will bring on more of my own unwanted suffering because ultimately my relationship to myself can be intimidating to those who do not feel devoted to themselves (you know how people will tear someone down for having the courage to put themselves out there?) — if this is how you feel about the courageous, then I hate that for you, and I ask you kindly to keep that destructive energy to yourself. And of course, good luck. 🍀
To everyone else, let us enjoy the ache of being a human with the time, space, and energy to be feeling creative.
Dear reader, thank you for reading. Your participation is very valuable.
And cheers to the public waking up to the disaster that is social media platforms like instagram & facebook. (Read more)
I hope we create spaces that are better for us, kinder to us, and more curious about our differences.
My friend, please leave your thoughts in comments.
