Releasing performance of self and choosing presence
(Intro&personal remarks; scroll down for project proposal) I would like to introduce you to “mental gardening”, which is using the principles of tending a physical garden—planting, weeding, nurturing, pruning—to cultivate your mind, manage thoughts, reduce stress, and grow new ideas, boosting creativity and well-being by being intentional about what you consume and how you focus your attention. It involves both literal gardening (connecting with nature, getting dirt on your hands) and metaphorical practices (meditation, journaling, curating information) to create a healthier mental space.
From this concept, I want to share this experience that is specific to journaling. The idea is to write something you would like to integrate into your life: values, mindsets, character traits you want strengthen, and how you want to navigate your emotions. Essentially creating a blueprint for how you want your mind to respond to your reality— then 30 days later you read what you wrote. It is like taking a new vitamin/medication and waiting 30 days to see if it works for you, or beginning a new workout routine and giving yourself time before evaluating the results. This becomes a daily ritual— reflecting on the day, writing what went well, and gently shifting perspective on what you would like to change. You step into the role of the observer. You discover gratitude rather than actively looking for it or hoping to find it. You allow grief to sit alongside lighter/pleasant emotions.
Over time, this becomes a way to witness your progress and development. You begin to acknowledge the small changes and recognize your evolution. As you write to yourself everyday and later read your words from 30 days prior, you may find alignment of your intentions with your lived experience. The 30 day old entry becomes a source of validation and encouragement for the present moment. This is integration. This is an act of building self-trust, refining your discernment, and embodying your vision of yourself. This is actively co-creating your reality with the universe.
(Why did I do this?) I have always been a journal person, although I did not have a structure nor did I reread what I wrote. Journals were a place to lay my thoughts to rest. In June 2024, I realized I did not like where my life was heading. I wrote to myself about the disconnect between my internal experience and my external world— people, places, and routines that brought anxiety and grief yet remained central to my life.
I felt like an anxious girlfriend, shameful daughter, reliable but emotionally exhausted friend, and financially helpless.
I was performing these roles for the people around me while they reflect these ideas to me that I was not enough, not worthy of partnership, and incapable of governing my own life. I was performing these roles— not in dishonesty, but in adaptation. A quiet agreement to shape-shift in order to stay connected, safe, or loved. It looked like me showing up as the “easy” girlfriend in fear of abandonment, the “grateful” daughter in fear of exile, and the “understanding” friend desperate for a sense of connection.
Performance of self (<—Click link to Erving Goffman) is the anticipation of how others might receive us and adjusting in advance— softening, shrinking, or over explaining— so that we are not misunderstood, rejected, or made responsible for someone else’s discomfort. Taking accountability for my participation in our dynamic, I asked myself to become aware of the routines that I was repeating to maintain this agreed-upon identity. Then, I negotiated with myself on how to let go and move on. I asked for change. Change takes time because letting go is hard. First, you need time to become aware of patterns and then even more time to learn how to operate outside of them. Performance requires constant vigilance. It keeps the mind busy editing, monitoring, and rehearsing. Over time, it creates distance between our internal truth and our external life.
It has been 18 months since I noticed the cycles I was choosing out of familiarity or a false sense of safety. Every day since, I have been intentionally supported my choice to change despite the fear, loneliness, doubts, and overall discomfort. Of course, there have been many incredible moments of joy that remind me that it is a good thing to have hope. There is peace that feels earned, I chose myself and that is my reward. I am happy in my own company. No longer searching for validation. I genuinely like who I am. There is also the quiet satisfaction of time revealing the truth of things— because clarity does come, even when it is not immediately available. I chose mental gardening because I wanted the truth— of myself, those around me, and of my life. Refusing performance is not about refusing care or connection. It is about choosing authenticity over presentation. Allowing myself to exist, with or without approval.
I chose this because I believe clarity is kinder than false hope.
(project proposal)
releasing the performance of self and choosing presence.
Who is this project for?
For the people who are navigating grief, identity shifts, and self-reclamation— those who have held space for e v e r y o n e else and are learning to hold it for themselves.
It is rooted in honesty, personal myth, and sacred expression. Built at the intersection of art, psychology, nature, and cultural reflection, the purpose is to invite the participant to: slow down, feel deeply, and create from the truth of their own experience.
This is not performance. This is presence.
It is not about fixing- This is becoming.
Here to serve the sensitive, the shape-shifters, the deep feelers, and the quiet leaders, with the art of self-witnessing. A path back to wholeness, through writing, reflection, and self-trust.
Rest. Restore. Reconstruct.
What is this project?
Journaling as a tool for mental gardening— an intentional practice for noticing, tending, and reshaping one’s inner world. The purpose is to support the shift from performing the self for survival toward experiencing the self honestly, with presence and care.
This is an invitation to move away from performing who you need to be and toward inhabiting who you already are— without projection, expectation, or apology. Through sustained reflection, the practice examines and gently disrupts the performance of the adaptive identities shaped by those around us, while supporting the transition into a more integrated & authentic experience of selfhood.
Aspects:
Weekly (sometimes daily) journal readings
These consist of Youtube videos posted to feelingcreativeco where I will read the daily journal entries for the week. This format serves as shared moments of presence. Unpolished, honest check-ins— snapshots of a mind in motion. The intention is not to instruct, but to accompany. To offer language when someone may be struggling to find their own.
Monthly explorations
Once a month here on the Writing Wall, posted every third Friday, I will compile the daily entries into a reflection. This format will serve as a pause to help notice patterns, themes, and emotional landscapes that emerged over time. From there, intentions for next month can be created— not as demands, but as gentle orientations. This practice honors continuity, rather than urgency.
Social media presence via Tik Tok and Youtube reels: @feelingcreativeco
These platforms function as points of access. Short-form reflections, fragments, and reminders designed to meet people where they already are. They are invitations— not destination— encouraging viewers to slow down, reflect, and return to themselves.
Why is this project?
I needed the practice of mental gardening to help introduce myself to myself— and to this new chapter of life. There was so much to grieve and to question: relationships arriving and leaving my life, the ones that remained never quite becoming what I had hoped for, and the quiet anxiety about wanting to change but fearing rejection. For a long time, I choose things that made me prove myself. I waited for other people to meet me emotionally in places I did not know how to reach on my own. I had a “give me” mentality—Not out of entitlement, but from longing. Give me a kind mom. Give me a present father. Give me a reliable partner. In return, I would become the most agreeable, non-responsive, and understanding version of myself. I learned how to hide my pain. I kept comments to myself. I helped co-create a reality without consequences for the people in my life. Acknowledging my hurt felt like an accusation, so I took everything in stride. I prided myself on having no reaction, on being strong enough to implode quietly. I carried the emotional weight, so no one else had to. Nothing was confronted. Nothing had to change.
As I approach 30 years of age (2026), it suddenly feels urgent that I become grounded within myself. Not because of age, but because I wanted to feel grounded in my own way of being. Finding this comfort brought its own discomforts— the ache of knowing that being misunderstood was not the same thing as being wrong. I had to release the ideas I had inherited about my life: what I should do with it, who I should share it with, and how much compromise was required to be considered “good”. I began letting go of the fear of being selfish or uncertain. I allowed myself to not know, to ask questions, and to need help. This became a practice of balancing my hyper-independence and desire for collaboration— making space for both to exist within me without cancelling each other out.
Here, I have found so much grace for myself. I have found forgiveness— for others and for me. I found my humanity buried beneath performance, expectation, and urgency. I remembered what it felt like to be myself and to genuinely enjoy my own company.
This project is an offering from that place. A way of saying: I was there. I took the risk. And now, being human is not something you need to overcome— this extraordinary practice helped me come to place where being human is greatly appreciated.
How do I participate?
Taking a moment to listen to the video diaries.
Choosing to read the monthly reflection.
Actively journaling your process.
Rest is part of any process.
This is not about productivity or doing this correctly. Allow this to accompany you on your journey, to orient you instead of instruct.
The value comes from engagement over time— Your participation is valuable. You do not need to arrive with clarity. Clarity emerges through attention.
Dear reader, thank you for reading.
Your participation is valuable. Consider leaving a comment with your thoughts and mindset for others to engage with.
