What is Love? Fate or a matter of choice?

You ever consider how many times you said “I love you"?

Maybe you are one of those people who never say it. Maybe you have only said it a few number of memorable times. Not me. I say it often. I have loved many people. This is not exclusive to my romantic relationships, I say it to my friends. I have said it to people that I thought would stay around longer.

I have exchanged “I love you”(s) with many people and then life just kept going. In some cases, I may never speak to these people again, but at one point that was not our reality. In fact, the idea of never speaking again, at the time, was an impossible reality.

*So if the impossible is true here, then where else in my life can the impossible be made possible through a matter of belief? (Awareness of a limiting belief, becoming curious, seeking expansion)

Thesis Statement: We are promised only impermanence- love and life constantly evolving, yet love still transcends time, relationships, and expectations. How can I embrace reality while maintaining intentionality in my connections?

Let’s discuss this while noticing two major themes:

(1) A pattern of deep but fleeting connections

(2) Family influence and learned behavior

And we will do so by exploring

-the beauty & challenges of transience

-the role of choice & intentionality

-Breaking (or accepting) patterns

(introduction) “the beauty & challenge of transience”

I asked my mom if she had been invited into many families, the way that I have. “No” she says laughing. I reflect on this, “then why has it been that way for me?” I have been included in so many inner circles. Invited into homes, groupchats, and holiday parties.

I am not that close to my own family, my relationship with my father has always been complicated. My father’s relationship to his family- complicated. And my mother is currently respecting the wishes of her mother to never speak again. (Awareness: this is a learned behavior)

Meanwhile, I have been granted the role of “Aunt” to a new family of a friend. Have I spent quality time with them? yes. However, I have only known her a few months. It is like I am instantly lovable (said in the most humble way possible) because before I know it, I am somewhere else in love with some entirely new people.

Why is that?

Time and time again, I get extremely close to people- connect and exchange “I love you” like we have finally found each other and then it is- over? Like there is no longevity to the situation. (challenge) I start to wonder if I am the “rolling stone” I claim my father to be and if John Mayer was right, “fathers be good to your daughters, daughters will love like you do.” Is this my fate? (beauty) Although, this experience can also be a positive one that saves me from the loneliness it threatens to create- knowing that at every point in life there will be new people to meet and connect to in the present moment.

The saying “where attention flows, energy goes” applies here- asking yourself where are you putting your focus? into feelings about the past or into being present in the moment.

(beauty) Being someone who is easily welcomed, trusted and beloved can be a great way of life- meeting new people, exploring yourself and new connections, and generating opportunities for expansion beyond interpersonal relationships but also into creating a career path. (challenge) Romantically, transient nature is often frowned upon as marriage is still held in such high esteem and ideal- despite the facts showing we as humans are struggling to live up to this narrative of long-term partnership with divorce rates at almost 50%- so I think that is why I am struggling to accept this as a positive. The stigma of being detached is troubling my perception of myself and those I am in relationship to.

(beauty) However, I think my greatest success is the periods in my life where I have access to a full spectrum of emotion.

I am no longer fixated in a state of sadness or disappointment, but instead I am able to fluctuate all throughout the day through my emotions as the present moment continues to change- happy, nervous, content, bored, angry, etc. I believe that when my emotions are a state or fact of lasting only for a short time; in transitory nature- is true success and makes me feel the most alive.

(Body Paragraph) “the role of choice & intentionality”

Here’s a loaded question: How do you balance being open to love while protecting yourself from staying where you are not meant to be? The saying, “you have to love yourself before you can love anyone else” should come with a definition of what love is. Is love “taking care” or “endurance” or “complete acceptance”?

The definition I am using defines love as mutual care and respect- it is about acknowledging someone’s individuality & agency and choosing to support that. Honor them by being curious and kind, respecting their boundaries, and choosing to be there for them in times of need. With this framework, love is about intention and the choices we make in order to express how we feel or how much we value someone being in our lives.

I only arrived at this conclusion after being in partnership with people who relied on my feelings of guilt or shame to maintain my efforts in sustaining the relationship to them. I doubt that they did this consciously with full knowledge of the impact it would have on me. I do not think this was an deliberate act of cruelty, but rather a selfish choice- deciding they wanted access to me regardless if they were able to nourish me or act in ways that worked to sustain the relationship. The wisdom I gained from those experiences guides me away from people who lack compassion & empathy and into more relationships where the people are curious about me and my needs. To be loved is to be considered.

Notably, life has a lot of nuance and the way we experience our emotions can conflict with making healthy and sustainable choices. (*Ex. the way the wrong choice feels sooo much more euphoric and instant than making the right choice that requires discipline and patience in order to reap the benefits of) I learned that love is not enough to sustain a mutually beneficial relationship. Also learned that the grief that comes from leaving a relationship is so uncomfortable- I think it keeps us pumping hope and faith into relationship dynamics that ultimately feel unsupportive more than anything else.

*recenter: Love requires balance and almost a step by step recipe of respect and then loyalty and then dedication. So when considering if you should stay or go, ask yourself: What do I value more? Maybe it is the relationship, maybe it is your peace, or maybe you just want to restore your personal freedom. No matter your decision: it is a deeply personal choice and what you choose to do for yourself is valid.

*Remember: You can do whatever you want as long as you are willing to face the consequences. Choose wisely.

(Body Paragraph) “Breaking (or accepting) patterns”

Here is another loaded question: What happens when our choices in love are not entirely conscious? When our patterns- shaped by past experiences- pull us towards the same kinds of relationships, even when they no longer serve us? After a lot of disassociation and reflection- I had to realize that I cannot make my past go away. Instead of attempting to avoid or disregard parts of myself in response to trauma, I want to focus on integrating my experiences into what I envision for myself.

How do I reframe my experiences as something that empowers me instead of feeling reduced by it?

In this case, my pattern is falling in love and absolutely centering my entire being around my romantic partner and the life that I imagine that we could have together. This has led me to soul-crushing heartbreak and became something I despised about myself and as it grew more difficult to trust myself. I felt like I was to blame for my ideas of love and the choices I made in pursuit of it. However, trying to release this “habit” would change a lot about me- ultimately I would be letting go of my ability to dream, to have faith, to hope, and to create. I had to sit with this.

Reframe:

(1) It was not my ideas that hurt me. The actions and in action of the people I was in relationship to- that is what hurt me. I am not at fault. My goal was to fall in love and in doing that, I am successful. I loved, it is not my fault they did not meet me there.

(2) I am love. I am creativity. I am faithful. I have dreams. I have hope. These are all true regardless of my relationship status.

This is the part where accountability comes in- Being deeply loved and accepted has never been my struggle, but learning to honor my own boundaries has. I know the times I compromised my connection to my creativity, my needs and my way of being to better serve another person. I thought it was in the light of “relationships are about compromise”. However, I was self-sacrificing in order to win their affections.

I can accept that my patterns of behavior get me in deep with whatever I set my focus on. This is a sign of my dedication and my depth. Instead of changing myself or my core beliefs, I want to change what my focus is on- using my discernment to ensure I align myself with things that nourish my creativity, not diminish it. The only way to move forward is through awareness.

Slowing things down, giving yourself time to think:

Who will I be if I make this decision?

& Would I like that person?

(Conclusion) Reframing without losing depth

The journey to self worth and recognizing one’s own value has a lot to do with discovering your own limiting beliefs about yourself and your relationships to things/people/places, and allowing yourself to change your perspective on things by reclaiming your agency. Choosing love where it is healthy rather than feeling obligated to love through harm. Focus not on the loss of a relationship, but what you were able to gain through experiencing them.

Reframing the way you see your experiences: *Ex. being someone who is easily welcomed, trusted, and loved is a gift. I do my best to acknowledge this through transparency and intentionality. I have heard that wisdom is the heaviest gift to carry- the wisdom of knowing that every connection is not meant to last forever takes strength and grace to hold. That same strength is what I used to help myself to realize that-

love is NOT about endurance at all costs.

SUSTAINABLE LOVE IS ABOUT RECIPROCITY. LOVE IS ABOUT CHOICE.

Thank you for reading.

I ask you to please be kind, reader. Your participation is so valuable. I invite you to join the conversation in the comments.