What is love? (part 2) Does short-lived count?

*This is relevant to platonic and romantic relationships but I would not refer this to familial connections and dynamics. Simply because those are more complex due to the societal expectations and inherent responsibility- basically those are way too nuanced and often more complicated.

I have been processing the pain and grief that comes with ending something that I not only saw the potential in, but I experienced it.

We loved, deeply. We held each other in intimate moments. We invited one another into our friend groups, our homes, and our family spaces. Both of us made great efforts to include each other, to listen and to be accommodating. We once were co-creating this incredible love story that would continue to grow more fulfilling to both of us.

And then suddenly, everything turns and what was once one of the most nourishing relationships becomes poison to us. Everything we were building comes to a halt to then dissolves and washes away- like we were never there.

I left when the pain became too much to bear- the neglect, emotional abuse, and disrespect. The grief from the loss trickled in slowly at first until I was eventually underwater in emotion- I kept thinking,

is there something I could have done? Did I leave too early? Did they mean it when they said-

It has been months and I still love.

(Introduction) “reframing is the key to reclaiming a narrative that leads to integration/growth”

My understanding of myself has been under duress. At the time of the breakup I felt confident that my choices were made due to self-love, self-respect and certainly of self-preservation, but the perception of my choices made me feel guilt and shame.

(certainly, the illusion of perception- the idea that anyone’s thoughts or feelings outside of the situation have any power over the outcome; regain your power knowing that this the struggle is internal- not an external experience)

“If I loved them so much, then why couldn’t I stay and make it work with them?” There is no question in my heart that I love this person. I am in deep. Making excuses for their abuse- because I understand where it comes from (their background and past experiences). However, that is the logic and rationale, the reality of this is that I was wounded by their words and actions. So to counter the logic with emotional response allowing my anger to build resentment for me because I obviously need protection from this person and their acts of cruelty.

“I don’t hate you.” I say but I feel something else. I feel like I am forever going to be angry at you for not fighting your own fights, for bringing me things that belong to other people, for essentially taking it out on me for being kind and present with you.

For that I cannot stay. I must leave before you destroy more of what was once the most precious thing I had in my life. Connecting with you has truly been the best of times and the worst of times.

Thesis Statement: True love doesn’t always mean holding on- it sometimes means letting go for the greater good of both people.

(Body paragraph) School of Life posts + my new journal already a third of the way full

Click here to read the School of Life post

Essentially this post describes a philosophy of love- the kind that balances emotions with practicality, care and with boundaries- and this kind resonates with my current understanding of what I believe love is:

“The definition I am using defines love as mutual care and respect- it is about acknowledging someone’s individuality & agency and choosing to support that. Honor them by being curious and kind, respecting their boundaries, and choosing to be there for them in times of need. With this framework, love is about intention and the choices we make in order to express how we feel or how much we value someone being in our lives.” (from What is love? Fate or a matter of choice?)

This definition acknowledges that love alone is not enough to sustain a relationship if the circumstances, values, or compatibility just do not align. These obstacles stand in between you and the other person. Both have to agree to meet the challenges or else... *Deep & broken-hearted sigh

The love I experienced was powerful and real, but it did not support me. The weight of trying to make that love work despite mismatched values, clashing goals, or unbalanced efforts always left me feeling more drained than fulfilled. I no longer conflate love with obligation. Letting someone go can be the ultimate act of care- it takes great strength and grace but this is actually a sign of my love and it’s depth.

Now I know that love is not just a feeling- it is about building a life together that actually works.

*Note: Maturity? that’s what I value? I mean this is great! but it sure does limit my dating pool.

(Body paragraph) “Letting go is a recurring act”

This part is for the one I love: So now that this love (platonic or romantic) has been a part of my experience and growth as a person- there are parts of me that will always see the value in us. My memories of us, songs we listened to at the time, food we ate and places we went will come visit me- the familiar will linger as it is meant to bring me comfort in my times of need. Honestly, sometimes it does, whenever I am in need of warmth and a thought of you comes to my mind, I do my best to allow myself to enjoy it for what it was. All truths are true, right?

I love you.

You love me.

It was painful.

We cannot fix it.

Yeah. So forever and always, I will love you. Letting you go every time I think of you, see something you like or feel like telling you something. I will let you go every time with love and with clarity, and with the awareness that it was necessary. It is the hardest thing to do, but it is also the kindest- staying together would do more harm than good. Honoring the reality of the situation, I release you from unmet expectations and I value our love so much- I believe that I had to leave before it became something painful and unrecognizable. To preserve it. Through the pain, I hope you can still see the love.

(Body paragraph) “Journaling intentions: How this reflection shapes the future”

*Accountability: Being yourself is a grave responsibility (literally) in which it is your job to ensure people know how you feel, what you are thinking, and to respond in ways that teach people how to love you. The saying “it is not about what you know, it is about who you know” is not a lack of concern for what you know but a truth: no one knows what you know until you tell them. We are living at face-value. So in the context of the quote, I can see that you are familiar with someone I am fond of but I do not your experiences, thoughts, or emotional strengths until you show me.

So yes, I know that I rushed into love with people without concern for our compatibility or sustainability. Now that I have learned my lesson (a few times) I want to use this wisdom to guide me into creating more functional relationships. I am no longer interested in love that drains me, isolates me, or asks me to sacrifice my growth. Asking myself:

Does this feel balanced? Sustainable? Does this add to my life, or does it take from it?

Focusing on love that does not demand everything from me, but instead fits without forcing.

I am looking for alignment by being intentional, respecting my own boundaries, and trusting my timing.

*Look forward to reading: Achievement vs Alignment (03/13/2025)

(Conclusion) “Laying this to rest”

Not everyone has the courage to walk away. Most will hold on too long, out of fear or pride, and the love they had will dissolve into hurt. This does not absolve anyone who is ghosting people or an effort to frame walking out on someone as a dutiful act, no- this is about my efforts to communicate my foresight- and having the heart- to say, “this is as far as we can go together, and that is okay.”

This is not rejection.

This is not abandonment.

This is grace.

The pain felt was not because what I did (choosing to walk away), but because of what I had to let go of. It is my proof of how much I loved, how much I cared, and how deeply I felt. Clean breaks don’t make you cold- it is just a testament of your strength to let go and walk away with your dignity.

Thank you for reading.

*Note to those taking action: You are not “too much”. You are not unrelatable. You are just different. I see you navigating relationships with foresight, care, and instinct- this is a strength, not a flaw. Embrace your power- even when it is intimidating, it is always beautiful.

You are love. You are grace. You are power.

Your participation is valuable.

I invite you to join the conversation in the comments.