You and I

(part one)

A collection of timeless expressions.

(Tuesday) Life is full of possibilities. There are so many choices. Things only matter as much as you want them to. You decide. You choose how powerful you are.

Do you take? Do you give?

Are you balanced? Can you be selfless? Define selfless.

To be selfless is to be concerned with the needs and wishes of others than with one's own. Will I lose myself if I care about you? Or is it only when I care more about your life than my own?

Is it possible to find balance within selfishness and being selfless? What do I even care about?

You? Or how I appear to you?

Is it possible to be selfish in my selflessness?

The possibilities are endless. I am drawn to you. You seem so certain. Not all the time but surely more often than I ever am. I hear it in your voice, the way you wear conviction so effortlessly. You are intimidating and comforting at the same time, that is what makes us similar. You and I have the ability to be two opposing things at the same time. However, you makes choices, this or that, I somehow find a way to achieve both options or I choose to do nothing at all. Yeah, sometimes I just let life happen to me rather than participate. I like to think I am saving myself for something. As if I am building up a tolerance for whatever may come. In time, I'll be so rested and prepared to move mountains that I won't even remember enduring all those things I didn't want to do.

(Saturday) It's obvious you are driven by your curiosity. You prolong the goodbye and provoke what intimate things could happen. You are completely aware of your part in this situation. You are simply playing a role. You know where this leads, as do I. I willingly follow you into this moment of ecstasy. I try my best to maintain some kind of self control but I give into you and your cravings. The air is thick between us as desire assumes itself to be my reasoning for existence in this moment with you. Where is the sun when you need a clear head? I struggle to keep the darker thoughts from persuading me to give into you. I would like to release all of my hesitation and concern in order to take full advantage of this moment. I want to give myself to you, to do with me what you wish. Allow myself to feel you only to be left reminiscing whenever you are away. You are a heady mixture that has begun to scramble my usual way of being. This makes me nervous.

The loss of control feels divine and terrifying at the same time.

Kissing lips, jaw and neck. I try to convince myself that I will be fine with whatever happens. I try to let go. Although, as my blood pumps loud in my ears and my breathing also becomes much more audible, I can still hear myself asking,"Why take the risk?" I want you so much it feels like I (stop to think)...things won't be right unless I have you now, but what about me? I don't want to let go. Not for you. I decide to stop before there is anymore damage and before I can change my mind. I leave you a quivering mess. I am curious if whatever I felt only belonged within that moment. Could that have satisfied my craving? Or will I still want more of you? How long until I am certain?

(Sunday) I am certain I don't need you. I want you at least I think that I do. I cannot be sure. The way I feel in our most intimate moments is not at all what I am used to feeling or how I imagined it to be. I suppose I am so present that desire is unable to cloud my mind the way it once did. Kissing and touching whilst undressing feels less meaningful than before. I find myself attentively participating in every decision. Move my hand there. Kiss here. Moan now. I do not know how things should be or how I should feel. Also, I don't want to go "should-ing" all over you and I. Will I sink or swim? I worry there is no need for closure. I see everything at least I think I do and that is enough for me. I am certain that I would be fine without you. I am also certain that it feels mighty fine to be with you. I do not truly believe in that second statement as much as the first; however that makes being with you all the more comfortable. It is as if I am trying something new, satisfying my curiosity. I am open to any outcome. One without expectations is free to be. I want to be with you. This I know. I am not sure where this -ship will take me but I cannot wait to get there. There is a nag in the corner of my mind that keeps asking me to make conclusions. 

What if you should be somewhere else doing something else?  What is this for?

You are wasting time.

The whispers...

The darkness rises when we kiss and it's ability to put me off has me worried that this risk isn't worth taking- that this game isn't worth playing. Then I let the thought go with my breath as I realize how put together I am. You could not take that away from me, this I know. As long as I never give you the power to destroy me, you can never destroy me. I know that I will be fine because I currently exist within the moment. As long as I am present and making my own decisions, baby you cannot hurt me.

I won't let you, this is for certain.

(Monday) You ask me what I want to be. Oh I marvel at all the possibilities. I search my mind for answers but none of them are definite. For example, there are moments in which I wish I could be something unknown, far out and much larger than myself. To become more than a simple existence and reach for more. Although I indulge in thoughts of being large, I am also drawn to the idea of being small, simple and low maintenance. Becoming such a small part of my own existence, never pushing boundaries. I dream of floating effortlessly through time until I am no more. However, neither of those options seems to fit as well as I'd like them to. I cannot commit to them the way I commit to myself. Since I do not truly know who I will be and I am only capable of knowing who I am now, with some effort, I honestly cannot answer that with more than a small idea of what could happen. Giving what seems to be a meaningless response feels like a display of arrogance, as if I believe I know what will happen between now and then. I do my best not to appear this way so I have no answer. Yet you keep asking. Always eager for information. You are insatiable. I would love to please you. Genuinely move you with my obedience, but I am the way I am. It should bring you some satisfaction to have the chance to admire my self-love. I don't know if you are too envious. I cannot tell if you are proud or not. It wouldn't surprise me if you weren't satisfied. I used to follow a similar path driven by a gnawing hunger for something undefined. I am still just as hungry for life, but I have tried to be less picky. Take the good with the bad and vise versa. No one ever says that the other way around.

Take the bad with the good.

It almost seems to have more meaning that way...Where am I? In a forest no one has ever traveled.

Exploring. Discovering. Learning.

I now see things as they are. I'm not as caught up in your ideas anymore. I am listening. All of the sudden a weight is lifted and breathing is easy. Everything I see, smell and hear is enchanting. This is an intriguing time. All these twist and turns leading to new feelings and moments. My pace is steady. Weary but steady still. I don't want to lose control getting caught up in the way of things. I am eager, I will admit that. However, it would mean a lot to me to maintain some self control. Patience. I imagine how fast I could fall to pieces over you and it scares me. Slows me down. Why would you want to hurt me? Why would you let all this happen? My terms. Your terms. I lose control every other moment my mind spends thinking of you. Pace yourself. Myself! Oh my, I may have lost my head.

(Thursday) Unfortunately I am questioning myself again. I am just too comfortable. I cannot tell if that is because we blend well or if I am losing myself in you. I can no longer see where you end and I begin. Is that a bad thing? My feelings remind me of the clothes that hang in my closet and sit folded in my dresser. … “I forgot that I had that.” “This isn't even mine.”

I try to keep everything organized and tidy. I do my best to pick something to wear that says just enough about where I am. Where am I? Dressy? Casual? Am I an adult? Am I still a child? I am frustrated and throwing a tantrum like a child. You make me feel like a child. Helpless. Unable to decide for myself. Organized and tidy warps into disaster in a matter of seconds. I thought I had it all together but this display, this show that I have put on, says otherwise. I put on something a little more vague that I can be anything in. I can be anything. You question me. I question me. My feelings scattered around the room. Please excuse the mess that I am. I'll clean up soon. You try to pull me together, it rips me apart. I am not your responsibility. Do not treat me like a task on your to do list. You smother me, not in a overly kindling way, but more like you want me dead. You want me to be reborn as something, someone, you like more. Someone you respect, more. Someone you could relate to and admire. It's too late for you to say anything different because I already believe that.

People believe what they want to believe.

Things only matter as much as you want them to. I see you crave envy and jealousy, that is what you want to wear. You would like you and I to live with some kind of enduring hate for you. A soft motivation you need in order to endure the things you think you want. You are needy. You are asking for it. I do not think we would survive in agreement. You question me. I question me. However I am starting to see that your need for dominance and control is your downfall, not mine. I would love to have my own space, but I know how to cohabitate. Say what you feel, mean what you say. I am a lot stronger than you think. I breathing all this in willingly- I need to. We are the same, you and I.