LEt’s talk intimacy (part one)

Define Intimacy: (via Google)

(1) close familiarity or friendship; closeness.

(2) a private cozy atmosphere

(3) an intimate act, especially intercourse

Okay. This is a wide definition- we’ve got familiarity, which could happen with strangers in your local grocery store or someone you sit next to in class, or see at work, etc. So on a scale of 1 to 10, ’stranger’ is at 1. I guess we would consider a stranger someone you have yet to collect personal information about. And personal information would be facts or anecdotes that you have learned about this person that now makes them unique or begins to define their individuality/authenticity. 

Are you with me? (Rhetorical question, keep reading)

So the intimacy scale starts at (1) stranger. Half-way point is (5)intimate setting, you are no longer in public space, this could be a small group or one-on-one with someone, even yourself.

And then we have (10)… sex? 

*thinking intensifies, data is pulled, engage in further analysis...

I don’t know about that, because you can have sex with a stranger so there is levels of intimacy. Plus, we have yet to define sex (Suggested read, this is the link: Greta Christina, Are We Having Sex Now or What? )

 “But what if neither of you is enjoying it, if you’re both doing it because you think the other one wants to? Ugh.” 

Personal reflection: I still feel like a kid in a teen movie, like sex is a big deal and who I do choose to do it with has some significance and my body is more valuable than the male body...lol problematic (We can come back to that at a later date.)

My expectations about when to have or not to have sex. Also, if the sex increases the value of or the responsibility to- the relationship. While reading the Christina piece, I found myself delightfully confused, but also released from any ideas on what is ‘good’ or ‘bad’ sexual behavior. Escaping the shame and pressure of societal ideals of sex - it being sacred, an act that should only happen between two people who love each other, or those planning to get married, or not before marriage.

My new definition of sex is some form of sensual touch between consenting people. However, this is a recent interpretation, after seeing an episode of Sex Education on Netflix that featured a disabled individual exchanging in intimate touch with another person- but not actually having intercourse. Just exploring each others bodies.

Although, even that definition is too short- leaving way too much room for harassment, accidental bumping, and professional massages to also be defined as sex. (I will have to try to define it, again. Let’s see if I can expand my awareness and put it into proper defining words.) In American culture, I think sex is depicted from a male’s perspective- like if a male wants to or is consenting, then it is sex. Let’s quickly acknowledge how that leaves very little room for women to be inherently beautiful and attractive without the threat of violence from men- validating that is the least we can do...Also, some of our ideas of sex are shaped through porn which has been male focused for...a while. I know that things are changing in that industry, but males have dominated entertainment publications (sexual and non-sexual) and that has had a large impact on our collective ideas of sex, beauty standards, and our societal moral compass….

 This is my final effort to define what 'sex' is,

My definition of sex is an act of sensuality that those involved consent to in the pursuit of joy, satisfaction, or curiosity.

(Question for you, comment response) Do you think that this is a good and well reaching definition of sex? Or did I miss something?

Like I wanted to include sex work- so you can get some financial satisfaction… Okay. I digress!

I N T I M A C Y

I was trying plot out our intimacy scale, based on the broad definition, in which it(the definition) specifically includes sex. However, Idk where to put that. Could I claim that sex is not inherently intimate? because there’s like physical intimate space, emotional intimate space, and some may say they are spiritual close to someone else… Idk- this is a long introduction. I have yet to get where I want us to be, but I wanna make sure we are talking about the same thing- let’s just pause on creating the scale and workshop it some more later...

My current fixation: (1) Does intimacy make me uncomfortable? or (2) Am I manufacturing closeness with someone I am incompatible with?

Define uncomfortable: Like have I known this person long enough to see them make some mistakes and the amount of compassion I need to have for them is - too much? or emotionally distressing- like taxing on me?

Short backstory: My dad and mom spilt up, I stayed with my mom (and later step dad). Dad was inconsistent and avoidant- EMOTIONALLY scarred me up real good through many of our experiences in my life, so the abandonment issues are still itching at me. I have faced them, put them into words and accepted them. (for the most part) HOWEVER, talking the talk! is different from walking the walk. Implementation vs just speaking that good wisdom- these require entirely different skill sets. Am I skilled enough to align with all that HOT WISDOM I be talking? I. DONT. KNOW.

Like at this point, its trial and error. Action-based. To be frank, gotta f**k around and find out. Do something and we will see what happens. All the thoughts have been had. The values discovered. Now, can I take different actions and get different results?

OKAY. And then (2) Am I manufacturing closeness with someone I am incompatible with? Seems like something that someone who feels like they were abandoned- by those who they were told would be there to support them, those they needed most. So betrayal becomes the thing (you/I) want to avoid. So if (you are/I am) valuable to this person- then they won’t leave...They will actually endure the responsibility of loving me.

Sheesh.

But in this particular (and personal) case, I know it’s not true. I built a life around this person and they let it burn up and die. I know there is no amount of task or action I could do to keep this person with me- and so I am valid in that I do not trust them to stay.

...

I try not internalize these sort of things as a loss or a reflection of me, anymore. Rather I see it as feedback, a prompt! To decide for myself what feels good.

“Do I stay with you in fear? or can I leave you, lovingly?”

Logical and emotional information coming together in harmony- making me feel prepared to do the ‘hard’ task of speaking up for myself. Choosing experiences that reflect my true desires. Which in doing so, this will ultimately lead me to more compatible options.

Okay, yeah. I set myself free, now.

(It still hurts a little.)

I am learning how to choose me, despite being taught through others’ actions that I am not worthy of respect. I forgive their ignorance and offer them grace. But I cannot pretend to feel safe, I either do or I do not.

I take on the responsibility of loving me.