Balance- I want it.
Ooowee. Let’s be sure to go into this topic with some humility, grace, and strength. Humility to behave with a lack of pride or vanity, grace as in ease, and strength as in perseverance or grit (courage or resolve; strength in character.) We are going to need it for this discussion and certainly for the ongoing task of cultivating:
b a l a n c e
(reflexivity & subjectivity) An example of reflexivity: a sociologist studying poverty in their own community. I would consider myself native to the subject that I am discussing. Subjectivity is defined as: the idea that people have their own unique perspectives and beliefs that are influenced by their interactions with others and their context. It is also considered to be the awareness that people have of themselves and their ability to explain their beliefs and motivations. I am Wallace, a 28 year old woman living in America. I have felt beholden to the social standards and/or timeline set for the age groups despite this being a fairly new version of living in America. I have made an effort to adhere to the ideals. I want the “good paying job”, the “faithful marriage” and the “forever home”. My ability to obtain these things while maintaining my physical, emotional, and mental health are too crucial to achieving this ideal. *Also of note, I cling to words to soothe my rational mind and often intellectualize my feelings/experiences.
Before we move forward, let’s define some keywords:
Balance:
(1) an even distribution of weight enabling someone or something to remain upright and steady.
(2) a condition in which different elements are equal or in the correct proportions.
Verb:
(3) keep or put (something) in a steady position so that it does not fall.
(4) offset or compare the value of (one thing) with another.
“Constant Indulgence”:
(1) the act of indulging (to allow oneself to enjoy the pleasure of)
-living without discipline; consistently pleasure seeking
Instant Gratification:
(1) is the act of immediately fulfilling a desire or need, often by making an impulsive choice. It is the tendency to choose a less rewarding but more immediate benefit over a future benefit.
Discernment:
(1) the ability to judge well.
(2) (in Christian contexts) perception in the absence of judgment with a view to obtaining spiritual guidance and understanding.
Discipline:
(1) the practice of training people to obey rules or a code of behavior, using punishment to correct disobedience.
-like words: (self) control, regulation, direction, authority…
(INTRODUCTION)
“It is all about balance.” Everyone keeps saying this to me. We repeat these sentences and phrases to each other in times of crisis but what do they really mean? As I write this, I am experiencing a change of routine and priorities as things end and/or fall away from my attention. It is 1am and I cannot sleep due to the pressure to perform and accomplish- well anything. (but not anything, right? No, something that confirms to the external world that my internal world is worth being curious about- attention is currency)
If I had used my time ”more wisely”, such as getting out of bed when I woke up at 7am and moving through my tasks as though I understand the value of consistency, then maybe I would be sleeping soundly and truly preparing for the next day of baby steps towards the big picture. (and with no proof of this- I confirm it. Only making things appear to be wrong.)
However, today I took some steps backwards- had a few conversations that I have already had just a few more times for good measure- and allowed my emotions to decide for me what kind of day I would have. So hence my interest in this “balance” idea. For I feel as though I have allowed the pendulum of emotional experience to swing too harshly one way and now it must swing back and forth into extremes before it settles again. You know, when you ignore your intuition so long that you end up chasing whatever it is you were running from in the first place. I have that sick feeling in my chest that reminds me that constant indulgence and instant gratification comes with a price. My lack of discernment has overstimulated my nervous system and thus I have to find my love for discipline, again.
(Body Paragraph one) What is Balance?
What is Balance?
-In what ways can I maintain it?
-And how does a balanced person truly feel?
It’s 2024 so I wanted to start by asking Chat GPT what balance is. This is the response:
“A balanced person feels centered, grounded, and stable in their emotions, thoughts, and actions. They have a sense of inner peace and contentment, and are able to handle life's challenges with resilience and grace. This person is in touch with their emotions, but they do not allow their feelings to overwhelm or control them. They are able to regulate their emotions, and express them in a healthy and appropriate way. They are also able to empathize with others and understand their perspective. They have a clear sense of their values, goals, and priorities, and they are able to make decisions and take actions that align with these. They are also able to adapt to change and new situations, and are open to learning and growth. They also have a healthy sense of self-esteem and self-worth, but they are not arrogant or boastful. They are able to recognize their strengths and weaknesses, and work towards self-improvement without being overly critical or self-critical. In summary, a balanced person feels calm, centered, and confident in themselves and their abilities. They are able to manage their emotions and thoughts in a healthy way, and have a clear sense of their values and priorities.”
(Focus)
-Feelings/emotions: centered, grounded, stable, inner peace, contentment,
-Essentials: resilience, grace, ability to adapt, open to learning, confidence
HOW DO I IDENTIFY THESE TRAITS IN MYSELF?
Self study is so important to me as I am sure it saved my life. Without journaling often, I may return to the habit of blaming myself and internalize other people’s behavior as a direct response to my worth. I am still recovering from the damage of doing that and it is only through self reflection that can I discover my truth. So I recommend you get a journal, sketch pad or even write a few songs so you can listen to yourself and get to know who you are. *When trying new things, allow yourself to be a b a b y at it- sure, you can’t walk yet but soon your talent will grow as long as you nurture it. :)
-How do I maintain it? *This is the part that is gonna take a bit of strength and grace. Instead of adopting social media prescribed regime of using a planner and waking up at 5am to change my life, I used a “food journal” to log my daily habits. I wrote about it here on the writing wall so you can click here to read more on that. Basically, I kept track of my sleep, water intake, food (not calorie count, just what I ate), mood, menstrual symptoms, and bowel movements. I discovered what worked best for me or what improved my overall mood and bodily comfort. I think the first step to maintaining balance is maintaining your relationship to your body. Choosing to build the day, month or year, on a foundation of concern and care for yourself will always lead you to make better decisions as you have a greater chance of feeling present in the moment. Discomfort can often cause me to want to disassociate, I do not have a high pain tolerance so any minor ache or pain can be really distracting for me. So I decided to be proactive about my health and wellness. In order to do this, you will have to be curious about yourself(aka self love, love is simply curiosity) which may seem time consuming at first, but eventually you will create a rhythm/habit of presence. Everyone always says “be yourself”, but I must remind you that you are not one choice to be made but instead you are a state of being.
You are the results of action and inaction, so being yourself will require you to answer many questions and decide what is best for you.
Personally, slowing down helps me be more authentic to myself as I have time to reflect on my values and consider what to say or do next. My brother shared this quote with me once and I practically live by it now, “You can do anything you want as long as you are willing to face the consequences.” This helps me discern things in the moment and choose which outcome(s) I am more fond of.
-How does a balanced person truly feel? Hopeful that I can answer this and still keep some humility because I think it is more agonizing, less glamorous, than some might imagine. Seeing someone admirable and being someone admirable are two very different experiences. Personally, people closest to me that have seen me in distress or during a complete depressive episode have called me “graceful” and told me “it looked as though you knew what you were doing.” As a creative, I think I have learned to “respect the process” or at least to be curious about it so maybe I instinctually apply that to navigating my emotional experiences. However, being in ‘the thick of it it’ feels awful: the uncertainty, the responsibility, and with the gnawing & absolute emptying desire for change. In those words, it feels almost similar to feeling imbalanced because balanced or imbalanced, you are still actively searching for center or a sensation of p e a c e. -So I used to be all giggles and as a result I felt this strange expectation(internally and externally) to always be lighthearted or entertaining. This led me to seek balance, finding my depths and developing some wisdom. However, the pendulum swings far left AND far right, so I still have to work to find my center with my abilities to have a sense of humor and while also being open to emotional reflection.
It feels tedious to be “in balance” as it is not a destination, but a constant effort to maintain a state of being against all odds and uncertainties.
When I struggle to maintain my routine or connection to things that support my overall health, the only way to balance it out is to give myself grace- essentially I have to start over. Begin again.
When this happens I think:
Do less, better.
(Ex. if you are tired, don’t skip the gym entirely. Just do less reps/exercises and do them better by focusing on form and sensation rather than quantity and results. Translate this to other things like: working on a project? Instead of going for ‘finished’ let’s go for ‘more than I had done before.’ relationships? You can opt in for a virtual hang or phone call when you can’t be there physically instead of pushing yourself to show up for others when you do not have the capacity, work? Be there without expectation of how you should perform and just do what you can.)
(BODY paragraph two) resilience
What is resilience? : the capacity to withstand or to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness.
Okay. Resilience is heavily required to maintain a state of balance. This is the ability to engage with life after crisis or continue on a path despite setbacks is integral to regaining your balance. Emotional resilience is built over time through trial and tribulation or to say it lightly: experience + knowledge = wisdom. This is where we need our grace and compassion for ourselves and others. We also have to be open to experiencing humility as none of us know anything for certain, and must be willing to learn always. Walking the line between strength and grace requires presence- which also comes with practice. Most of this I learn through doing yoga- not to be a snob, simply because I do not enjoy high intensity workouts. However, I do enjoy the mental aspect of yoga: learning how to move with intention, focus on my breath, and surrender the doing and instead focus on being.
CONclusion
Balance is a practice. It has to approached with a sense of curiosity, humility, and with grace & strength. Choosing to have a gentle inquisitive approach when observing where you are in the moment: your energy levels, what it is you need and how to go about obtaining that for yourself. It is mostly an inside job; however, having people that are willing to support what it is you say you need is a real pleasure. Balance is a form of life-long learning from experience to earn clarity about what you want and how to sustain your health while pursing it- basically, you gotta find a way to enjoy being human and express your appreciation.
Become a place “where being human is greatly appreciated.” (quote from the sleepyyellow podcast on YouTube)
*And also this video on Hedonic Adaptation:
The info in the video makes me feel a little better about experiencing a lapse in balance- grieving a loss in relationship or job- that can temporarily knock us down, but trust that soon we will return to feeling our normal selves.
Lastly, here is some poetry that I wrote on the topic:
B a l a n c e
Oh goodness.
I beg you to find me.
Oh peace.
Please find me.
Oh joy. Come wrap me in your embrace.
Perhaps I overindulged.
Maybe I took more than I needed. Said yes to things I didn’t want. A surplus. An overflow.
An imbalance.
I feel I am not aligned with what I need, what works for me, and it’s exhausting.
I am tired.
Oh balance. Please don’t make me do this.
Don’t make me pay for my sins.
Don’t make me reflect on all the times I heard my inner voice cry out but chose not to listen.
Don’t make repent for my ignorance.
Ignorance, yes, knowing better but choosing to ignore my own power.
Balance. Forgive me for begging- I am just so tired of leaning too far beyond my capacity.
Will you help me?
Help me restore my trust in myself?
Help me remember that discipline is self love? Boundaries are self love. I want to fill my cup, Balance.
I want to honor the responsibility of taking care of myself, again.
(inhale) “You must do a little nothing to balance all that everything that you have been doing. You need to rest.” (exhale)
me to me:
I am sorry for putting you through this.
“you are only human, release shame.”
Forgive me for abandoning my needs.
“You are already suffering the consequences, release grief”
When will I regain my balance? And how do I know I won’t lose it again?
“In your own time. And there is no need to expect that you won’t lose it again, release perfectionism”
How do I regain my trust in myself?
“Keep showing up. I promise you will grow with the practice of showing up for yourself. Release fear and doubt. Be open to receiving kindness.”
Things didn’t change the way I wanted them too, I am holding on to what I thought would happen.
“Let it go. Free yourself. Believe there is more beyond your thoughts because- there is. So much more.”
Okay.
Be grateful now. Time happens to everyone. ⏳💗
(end of poem)
“It’s good to fail every once in a while, it’s humbling.” -Emma Chamberlain
Thank you for reading.
(dear reader, your participation is so valuable. You are changing everything all the time. Know that you are powerful for simply being here at all.)
