What is confrontation? Am I avoiding it?

Okay, let’s just get into it.

(Reflexivity and Subjectivity) I am a person. I have relationships with people, places, and things. Let the record also state that I am an Aries woman- Taurus rising and Aquarius moon, Gemini Venus!- so that impulsivity, desire for maximum comfort, knack for empathy, and fetish for mental stimulation puts me in a sort of gladiator category when it comes to the battle of confrontation. So I feel I have great insight and would like to pull the curtain back on this one.

What is confrontation?

Google search: a hostile or argumentative meeting or situation between opposing parties.

Dictionary.com: a meeting of persons face to face. an open conflict of opposing ideas, forces, etc. a bringing together of ideas, themes, etc., for comparison.

Great. I want to focus on the act of addressing a conflict, concern, or disagreement directly with someone involved. Expressing one’s feelings, thoughts, or boundaries in situations where misunderstandings have caused tension. Despite the negative connotation about it being an automatically hostile thing to do,

confrontation can be an opportunity to clarify, reconnect, or assert yourself and your boundaries.

Let’s first acknowledge that there is a divide when it comes to the perception of confrontation. Yes, some people may say it is ‘inherently bad’ and ‘must be avoided at all cost’. However, it is important that we imagine the spectrum of experiences as they vary in risk and overall level of danger. On a scale of 1 to 10, starting on ‘the things we can control’ end of the spectrum (1)one may be choosing to people please to maintain harmony and avoid upsetting others. *Agency alert: Yes, choosing not to speak up is a choice. Self doubt can also contradict this desire to confront because one worries they will be misunderstood, overreacting, or have a general fear of failing/doing something wrong. Someone’s past experiences may have influenced someone into a pattern of avoidance. However, on the more ‘dangerously confused’ side of things- (10)one may not have the skills to constructively approach confrontation. So yeah, discretion is advised (as per usual). *Happy Discern December

*Ex. If the person you are confronting is known for physical violence or intense bouts of anger, then yeah. I could see why you would avoid that. And then acknowledge that person’s inability to navigate the situation in a way that benefits both of you. (Nope, you are not crazy. Sometimes people really cannot even muster the idea of growing beyond who they believe themselves to be. A closed mind is a dangerous one.)

So…

I am not giving advise on some situation that you may be personally experiencing that I am not currently aware of. OK. However, I will share my human experience with you.

Welcome to the inner world

12/13/2022 Cheers to going inward. Your courage is also your grace.

I like to have visuals so here is a painting I did a while back.

This painting was initially going to be of furry monsters that represent our feelings, but to look more like Mike Sully from Monsters Inc. However, creating art has taught me how to appreciate the process, to trust the process and surrender to the process. This turned into something I was not expecting- the image had so much to say.

(limiting belief) I used to beat myself up about being so willing to confront- to speak on things no matter how uncomfortable it was- because if what I said was true, then it might seem sharp or intense. I began to identify with being sharp and intense. I internalized the consequences of these moments as reflections of me- my impact on the world. Thinking of myself as some sort of monster scaring everyone away with my inability to keep certain truths to myself. How dare I speak up for myself. What gives me the right to notice and the nerve to point it out? This put me into a period of isolation and depression.

I felt anger. Why am I being punished? If this person refused to grow in order to benefit themselves and thus our relationship, then why am I feeling this way? I confronted it. I was willing to see the truth of it. I am willing to change.

And thus, I did.

I changed into someone who no longer needed them to grow in order to be happy.

Inside my inner world, I confronted and continue to confront things about myself. It feels raw- a mix of excitement and anxiety swirl as I realize I am only limited by my beliefs about myself. I can grow. I can change.

(what did the painting say?) The cave opening happens to be in the shape of a fist. It symbolizes inner strength. It is dark inside. However, there is a tiny person, a light. This is the inner child. There are other figures there too. They appear to be little nebulas- a cloud of gas and dust in outer space, visible in the night sky either as an indistinct bright patch or as a dark silhouette against other luminous matter. Or they could even be entire universes or separate realities. Reflecting how much we as humans mirror the qualities of outer space and nature. This is proof to how we are one with the universe we exist in. (Left) The pink is compassion. The green is envy. The purple is anxiety. The blue is sadness. *yes, inspired by Disney Pixar’s Inside Out. I skipped over the red one on purpose- red is love.

Love is the most willing to confront. Love conquers fear.

The outside of the cave is a messy, but cohesive space, that is full of life. Also, little snails slowly leaving their trail, similar to the way people leave their marks on us.

I have been reading the Bible recently, for the first time. Sometimes I use chat gpt to help me understand my experiences and relate them to Bible verses for me. It seems as though every human experience is in fact in the Bible. There is no stone unturned in there. So here is a verse from Corinthians: Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

And it goes on to say that there is faith, hope, and love. Love is the greatest of these.

Which to me means that even when my faith in a positive outcome is low and my hope may be lost, there will always be love there. I can say that within my interpersonal relationships, this rings true. I seem to love them no matter what, but trust can be broken, respect can be lost and loyalty can be betrayed. So there’s that… Thank goodness we are all human or this would be incredibly humiliating.

CONCLUSION

Confrontation is only beneficial when it comes from love. It cannot be about a fear of abandonment or a desire for a result or some kind of power play. I only believe in confronting someone lovingly, (1)with their best interest in mind and (2)your priorities admirable- this is the only way to make light of a dark moment due to the lack of clarity. Being open to working through a misunderstanding by holding space for someone- their shortcomings and misgivings and current skillset- with patience, humility and a WHOLE LOT of grace.

And you can practice this sort of thing with yourself, within your inner world, and the results will shine bright when you are able to do so amongst others. Oh the joys of growing together- how perfectly human is that. I think the only reason one would avoid confrontation is out of fear- there is some undesirable outcome in their mind (not true to reality) that is apparently more scary than living inauthentically. *Agency alert, my mama always said “people make choices.”

Here is some “poetry?” inspired by today’s topic:

Hello? Can you hear me? Yes, hi. I was calling to confront you about something that has been on my mind.

“Ok.”

Yes, laying heavy on my heart. I am hoping that you could help me with this.

“Ok. Explain the issue that you are having.”

Yes, ‘this’. I need to unpack this with you in order to move forward.

“I cannot really hear you, could you repeat that?”

Yes, I said I need your help. I need your help to unpack ‘this’

“Oh okay, let me transfer you to the-”

NO! Please do not transfer me, I know that you could help me. I am sure that you can. I do not want to be transferred to the next representative. I am sure we can come to solution…

Press 1 for help them, press 2 for hang up on them, press 3 for another representative…

Thank you for reading

Dear reader, let me know your thoughts and experiences in the comments.

Your participation is so valuable.