What is account-ability? And how do I take it? (final edit)

Here we are, getting more intellectual about our feelings. For good reason! Sometimes you find the courage to do what is right for you and you end up feeling guilt or shame. So, here is my attempt at being a guide through dark emotions that feel persistently uncomfortable despite it being in your best interest. Similar to the way a mom might console a child who desperately wants to injure themselves with an activity not suitable for them- for the sake of curiosity- but mommy knows better. Her wisdom becomes our enemy. Unfortunately, this persists throughout our lives- this toddler like curiosity. However,

Knowledge + Experience = Wisdom.

Wisdom is the heaviest gift to carry.

Whatta intro.

Let’s get that reflexivity and subjectivity out of the way with a painful reflection on my life so I can add knowledge to my experience and be awarded wisdom, shall we? *Or skip ahead.

(Backstory) First, where am I in life? I am 28. I currently live at home with my mom and step father. This year, I graduated from Georgia State University, where I took 6 class that last spring semester. Then two weeks after graduation, I had umbilical hernia surgery. As far as recovery goes, I feel way better than I did those first 30 days so I have deep gratitude for that. However it still does not feel like my belly button. It is ultimately different now. Oh! and it is time to get a job I guess.

Why am I interested in accountability?: I experienced a rough end to a friendship with a friend of 22 years. Without going into detail, I just agree with myself on this one- I was treated unfairly and the experience has caused some extreme emotional ripples in the water that is my life. I confront her (we gotta talk about confrontation too! but just hold on to that for now. We will come back to it) via text because honestly I just wanted to say what I wanted to say and get out of there. So yeah, I would avoid texting important conversations that you are hoping for good results or resolution. *Shocker. Is this accountability? lol

After I send her my message, she creates this laundry list of moments she has found me to be unlikable, this stuff goes back to when I was 21.FOCUS: She tells me I “rarely” take accountability. And so I grab each instance she has provided in her message and respond with my perspectives that I had within each moment. She does not like my responses and says, “I see you still are not going to take accountability.”

Hmm… I thought I was. I thought explaining why I did what I did was a form of accountability. From my perspective vs your perspective/assumption. Damn. Am I being toxic?

-I also had a boyfriend(we broke up before this was posted so he is now my ex), we shared* an economic dilemma meeting life’s challenges head on with great courage and sacrifice. So I am alone more than I have been in almost a year. This “cold plunge” into my new chapter, my new reality has shocked me to the core. I feel I have lost all control. Fear tells me that “I have no say in the matter- I am at the mercy of everything and everyone.”

(End of Backstory)

What is Accountability?

Google definition reads: (1) the fact or condition of being accountable; responsibility.

Lol, here is a graph on the usage of the word accountability from 1920- 2022. You can see it start to rise about 1969- which may have to do with the social climate at the time…

Okay, let’s get some more definitions before we discuss the topic further:

What is the difference between responsibility and accountability?

Let’s find some food for thought/good points to focus on:

(1) “Responsibility is task-oriented. Every person on a team may be responsible for a given task that is required to complete a massive project. Accountability is what happens after a situation has occurred. It is how you respond and take ownership over the results. Even during the most uncertain times, true leaders hold themselves accountable for the results.”

(2) “accountability is committed to the successful completion of tasks assigned to you and being willing to take responsibility for everything that happens as a result of the actions that were taken.”

says EaglesFlight.com

Those are work related though, so let’s look specifically at emotional accountability:

(1) “Emotional Accountability: the act or practice of taking responsibility for one's own emotions, thoughts, and reactions, as well as the impact they may have on oneself and others. Emotional accountability involves acknowledging and owning one's emotions, expressing them in a healthy and constructive manner, and recognizing the role one plays in their own emotional well-being and relationships.” from a blog on Simplish.co

*I pause writing here and then some time passes

as my mind works to grasp/process this information

and begin to attempt to apply it.

Ok..Let’s discuss further.

On first glance, I thought “how could I possibly get a grip?” which probably has something to do with my learned ability to self doubt and sometimes loathe my emotional experience.

However, after a week (or two) of riding my emotions all day and night- as they kept me awake or sleeping rather terribly- I manage to calm my nervous system and it finally releases me from this torment. Rational thoughts become easier to agree with. *Clarity arrives: I realize that I have been causing myself more stress with my current inability to stay calm through life changes.

IT IS SIMPLE: “Do you care enough to repair it?” then you will indeed take accountability for whatever occurs. Repair can only happen if both parties are willing to do so.

It is not a magical connection unless two people show up and make it that way. The m a g i c is in the doing, the creating the relationship for each other to enjoy.

Okay, now that I know what accountability is —How do I take Accountability?

You just do whatever it takes to acknowledge and repair the trust in the relationship. Listen, really listen. And then move towards each other again at pace in which both parties are comfortable. Rebuild.

That’s it.

I was confused! aha, I had been trying to keep people who did not care to keep me around.I planted a field of WHOOPSIE DAISES! lol

Damn.

And the wild part is that’s it! That happened and life goes on. Crazy.

Thanks for reading and good luck to you, my friend.

dear reader, lemme know your thoughts and experiences in the comments.

Your participation is valuable.