Identity vs values
Okay. Before we start, reflexivity & subjectivity, where I am at as a researcher and my biases as commenter on this topic.
*trigger warning: brief mention of suicide… (Begin Backstory) I have struggled with my identity and I am willing to share one telling of how I was shattered to the core by this struggle. Shattered in a way that has made me fear ever facing the challenge of finding myself, again. (1) When I was 17 years old I had moved from one home to another for the first time in 12 years. 12 years I had lived in the same house, had the same friends, and went to the neighborhood’s corresponding schools.
Change was small- incremental- just enough to grow a little without feeling I had to become brand new.
My friends were my family and my routines were all I knew to be. My family didn’t vacation for adventuring sake, we only ever left to visit family. My life was small and predictable. I cried about the same problems over and over again. I did the same things I always did for fun. I was a friend to many and that felt like all I needed to be. There was large group of us, Folsom Rd crew, and we spent almost all our time together. And then…*emotionally brace yourself* in the summer of 2013, my friend Hershel Morrow killed himself…
We all mourned together at first, our bonds becoming stronger as we shared this traumatic experience. Then I moved. In December, my mom and step father moved us to Astor, FL. I was devastated. I could not stomach all this change- this is the most that has ever happened to me all at once. My parents were so self involved, neither of them truly acknowledged the death of my friend or the pain it was causing me. It was all something they wanted to avoid and work to quickly adjust to the new. The separation from my group of friends was detrimental- even without having to mourn my recently deceased friend- the grief from that alone would have been enough to dismantle me. My friends did not help, I mean they tried I guess- calling me and texting they miss me.
“I miss you.”
I would read it and feel like I died too. Except I am here to witness all the sad faces and terrible emotions that come with leaving everyone behind. (Dramatic? Maybe. But I was 17. No matter how nice my life could have been, I still would have written it like a dark teenager.) So there I was, 4 months from my 18th birthday- just like my friend, Hershel, who decided he didn’t want to grow older… I hate to say it but in this way, he saved my life. I had seen what his choice had done to everyone I love and I couldn’t recreate that for them…
So I chose to stay. I drank A LOT of alcohol. I probably would have benefited from some grief counseling, but I had liquor to drink, (and yeah, mom gave it to me. I was 17.) a book about psychology to read, and a cow pasture nearby to walk next to everyday. The stars were real nice out there. I had one friend I could call and we would talk for hours just keeping each other company. (Thank you, Jared.)
Suddenly, I had to learn how to become friends with myself. I needed to reframe who I thought I was in order to move on and be something new. I had my first identity crisis… (End of backstory)
Let’s define the concepts as they will be discussed.
What is identity?
Google definition reads: (1) the fact of being who or what a person or thing is. (2) a close similarity or affinity. Psychology Today article defines identity as such “encompasses the memories, experiences, relationships, and values that create one's sense of self.”
Okay, so that includes your values…
Define values.
Google definition reads: (1) the regard that something is held to deserve; the importance, worth, or usefulness of something. (2) a person's principles or standards of behavior; one's judgment of what is important in life. VERB (3) estimate the monetary worth of (something). (4) consider (someone or something) to be important or beneficial; have a high opinion of.
*processing information to formulate response…
Ok. So identity is sort of an umbrella for all the things that make up a person, and values is considered to be one of those things. Also, including memories and how our experiences influences us as we move forward. Lastly, our relationships- to the people around us and their behavior- have a great impact on our identity…
I started this thought process- thinking that identity and values were two different concepts. As if one was more achievable to manage than the other… However, I am not sure you can pick your values but instead you simply discover what they are. (yeah, you do not control everything that happens in your life.) Hmm…
Now, I would like to share the point I was trying to make:
Discovering my values helped me make better decisions that reflect my true identity.
They are as follows: Eat. Sleep. Outside. Comedy. Creative Expression.
These are things that make me feel fulfilled on a daily basis. Achieving all 5 in a day is would ultimately create and nourish the life I want to live. This is my goal.
“A dream written down with a date becomes a goal. A goal broken down into steps becomes a plan. A plan backed by action makes your dreams comes true.” - Greg Reid
So that’s it? I have arrived to the here and now. I do feel a growing confidence in life’s ever changing status. Like despite the way that I feel, fearful or angry- happy or sad- that I can live through it. I will. And if I don’t then I am dead and what’s going on in life will no longer be my concern.
Suddenly I feel free to enjoy and endure the drama of life. I suppose I lose sight of this sense of calm sometimes and get stuck in the illusions of my mind (trauma, memories, desires, expectations) but I always make it back to the now. click “now” written above for a link to a good book
Although, moving forward can seem tricky sometimes. *Ex. life after college, I feel this need to answer the question: “What’s next?”
It’s just not that simple. It seems like the only good answers are
"I got the job with the help of my degree and it pays me so much money that I do not regret going to college.”
or
“I am pursuing more education to increase my chances of getting so much money that I do not regret going to college.”
And those are not my answers. Currently, I am two years from being 30 years old and I feel this sense of urgency to be myself. I hear the comments and suggestions. I feel the expectations. However, knowing myself for 28 years- I feel more confident than ever saying “I do not know. I am just figuring it out.”
Yeah. It feels good. Saying no to things I know I do not like and keeping my peace. I do not want to trade my relationship to myself for a friend, partner, or a job. I like who I am. I enjoy myself. I want to do more that, continue discover what I can do.
Contrast to that, I have to change what I am doing in order to let new things into my life and support their presence. The relationship I am in requires more of me than would be required if I were single. The job I want requires more effort, discipline, and commitment than I am currently capable of- but I want it. And later, if I get married or have a baby or something, then I will “lose” my identity there too while gaining a new one.
And it is scary! Truly. To act in a mindful way, instead of being reactive, and find the joy in being myself- no matter the circumstances. While embracing the challenge to change all the things I want to change about me, my environment, and my relationships to people & things.
I am rattling on a bit, but I just feel passionate about it. I reflect on what it feels like, before I chose myself and push for things that are not “me”(you know who I think I am) at all. I gain a lot of respect for myself while changing my mind and my ways of being. The discipline and courage it takes to change- it is terrifying. Giving up an identity I created, I grieve… It is hard, but I do it anyway. I show up and embrace the change.
I survive it. The identity crisis. I discover my values. Once I do that, it feels silly to pretend in the moment that something did or didn’t make me feel something. I try not to look away, my feelings are my compass. They alert me to know when I am acting out of character, when to speak up and when to move on. Not listening to my feelings would make me …well dumb or at the very least reckless. Thoughtless. Sometimes it is more obvious to see what another person needs to do to create change or allow things to change- and you just have to muster the grace and compassion not to throw it in their face. Because later, you may need that same grace you showed them- from them or from anyone.
I cannot watch myself do it(be fearful).
But sometimes I have too. Sometimes I feel fear and I do not have the courage. Sometimes I sacrifice my needs in the way of an old pattern and I have to take some time to reflect (get the journal out and write in it). Sometimes I have to “walk home” to myself and sit in whatever it is: fear, anger, or sadness. Sometimes I just have to develop some grace and compassion for myself so that when I see others avoiding themselves- I can have grace and compassion for them.
Learn to be soft and supportive. Learn how to push, but not too hard.
Be come comfortable with the time and space between this thing I am doing and the next thing I want to do- for my identity/values are not what I do but how I do it.
I am more than what I once did. I am more than what I am currently doing. I am capable of doing more.
