Let’s Talk Intimacy (part two)

Hi, my friend! So part one was written/posted January 4th, 2024, and these were the questions of focus:

My current fixation:

(1) Does intimacy make me uncomfortable? or

(2) Am I manufacturing closeness with someone I am incompatible with?

My current answers: (1) Yes and (2) yes.

Now, let’s unpack it

I think that in order to get close to people, it requires you to open up and be vulnerable with them- and that is inherently uncomfortable. I do not think there is any amount of therapy or self-care that could make it an easier or seem like less risky of a process. I think we all want/need the same things: love, a sense of belonging, and the sensation of security. So yeah, (1) Yes, it does make me uncomfortable.

Also (2)yes, I was manufacturing closeness with someone(s) that I am ultimately incompatible with. There are a lot of ways to explain incompatibility via: attachment styles, emotional intelligence scores, love languages, etc.

I want to say that is the courage to choose, to show up for yourself despite discomfort/challenges and advocate for the relationship or not. My mom always told me “people make choices” and “relationships are work”. I appreciate her warning me this way as I feel I was able to understand accountability at an early age. This concept gave me the perspective to see situations with empathy:

-People make choices...for themselves. Their decisions do not reflect my value.

-Relationships are work...so the effort put into them should not go unnoticed.

At least, that’s what I heard when she said it.

(Define Reflexivity: the process of examining the researcher's subjective point of view and how it might affect the research) As of 05/20/2024, I am on Day 05 of recovering from a hernia surgery. My boyfriend of 5-ish months and friends of less than a year, have been dedicating their time to my recovery. I want to be careful not to make blanket statements like, “No one has made loving me look this easy before,” although I do make blanket statements often in an effort to express myself passionately. I digress. In 2022, I had minor surgery that then seemed to be the catalyst for many parts of my life to dissolve: The end of my relationship, loss of apartment, and job. The change was too dramatic and I felt alone, only to then further isolate myself. I had a fear that pattern would repeat itself, that if I ever fell, then no one would be able catch me. . .

(2024) They caught me. They put pillows under my feet. They pulled me up into their arms and held me until I could stand. They loved me hard- like it was easy. Four days. Four days was all it took to change me forever.

What makes this time different? Who are these people? and is God real?

I think a lot of what makes my current relationships different from past experiences is humility. (Define humility: a deep sense of compassion; to act with humility is to not consider themselves more important than others, they are respectful of others, and they recognize and appreciate others' strengths and contributions) I believe some people fear humility will be an admission of incompetence or submission- and instead choosing to dominate, be aggressive, or become avoidant.

-I needed to adapt more humility in myself. (Accountability)

-But also, there is a choice: connection despite discomfort or avoidance/fear of discomfort.

This concept of choice is more real to me now, in the beginning of a romantic relationship, where we are free to create whatever we like. It is a fresh start, we have yet to create a pattern of behavior and have as much control as we will ever have- without limiting beliefs or fear of previous experience to deter our desire for growth. Since the beginning, we have made a habit of choosing each other. No matter how scary the emotion, the memory, the voice in our head screaming “don’t be vulnerable”- we choose connection over the fear of discomfort.

This is true for my new friendships, we choose the desire to connect over the fear of being rejected or misunderstood.

Personally, words of affirmation or positive feedback is a skill of mine that has helped to build courage and thus trust. I see it in their ability to speak plainly and openly with me. (Define Skill:the ability to use one's knowledge effectively and readily in execution or performance.) Now, skills are something you practice and never truly finish, so I focus on growth and positive action as a practice that I keep in order to feed the relationships I am in. I am committed to loving this way. I am dedicated to showing up like this for those I am in relationships with.

However, not everyday is “my day”, so there are times when I can be insensitive and brash. I have a short-temper and I speak with a lot of passion or energy. As if there were a 1 to 10 scale for the levels of expression such as confusion and I unconsciously choose to express myself at level 10 confused- “Wait. What are you talking about?” which often sounds harsh and judgmental. vs. a simple admission like “I am having a hard time understanding you.”

This. This is called self-study and is how I have become self-aware. Through observation and asking others (that I trust) to explain their experience of me, I am able to attempt to visualize myself as I am. I am choosing to confront challenges and feelings of discomfort in order to better serve the relationship.

*Although, I do not believe there is an objective truth considering everything changes through perspective.

I think these people I am surrounded by now share my values. It seems as though we have similar pains and similar ideas of how to soothe and grow from the moments of emotional impact that shape us. Now, humans primarily want the same things: love, sense of belonging and sensation of security. However, I think this group of people and I are simply agreeing on how we want to co-create that for each other. “Everyone wants to save the world, they just disagree on how.” (Fallout, 2024 Amazon Prime, Drama)

Communication. Speak openly and honestly. Listen compassionately. Respect “the gap”. (Define ‘Respect the gap’: to acknowledge that we exist outside of each other- it is advised to give the other person grace and to not assume malicious intent. It is OK to have your own experience and to communicate it to others, but we are all on our own journeys- we both deserve compassion. We both must take accountability for ourselves.)

I think God is real. God is love. And love inspires us to create and overcome. I think creativity is a sign of God, being able to make something or turn something into something else. My favorite thing to repeat, “love is not obedience.” as to say/explain that God gave us the freedom of choice. *Remember: mommy said that “people make choices”. Some choose love. And then some choose to allow fear and discomfort to keep them fully experiencing what they deserve: a courageous act of love.